I made up this recipe for strawberry pie so experiment away and make changes where you like.


  • 2 Quarts Strawberries, Freshly picked. Maybe it was pints. I don’t know. When are we going to switch to metric? The small boxes. That’s what I’m counting here. Two of those. (Tart are better than sweet I think and 3 quarts/pints/boxes probably would have been better. Freshly picked are better than store bought because they don’t have that tasteless white gunk inside.)
  • Bottle of red wine. I used Merlot because it was closest to me. And it was open and getting old.
  • Grated orange zest
  • Black pepper.
  • Tapioca, I like the instant stuff
  • Sugar


Strawberry Pie
Enough Booze to Kill a Horse

Get a big bowl and pour in the wine. How much? I don’t know. All of it? Just enough to cover the berries? All less a glass for you. Whatever. It’s your pie.

Hull and slice strawberries. Use an egg slicer for the strawberries. It’s faster than a knife. This works well for mushrooms too, though mushrooms don’t work well in this pie. Neither do eggs. Just use the slicer. Anyway, as you slice the strawberries put them in the wine. This prevents browning and makes ‘em tasty. Grate in, what, a tablespoon of orange zest? Yeah. A tablespoon. Maybe two. Add in about 3/4 cup sugar and a few grinds of black pepper. Stir gently to combine and dissolve the sugar and let it sit in the fridge for 2 hours to become yummy. If in the final pie the berries are too mushy for your taste, eliminate the sugar from the above procedure. That sugar there is to soften the berries. The sugar for sweetening comes later.

After 2 hours in the fridge your berries will have become a bowl of delicious love. Hell, at this point screw the pie and the 40 minute baking wait. Just spoon this Chunky Liquid Love over ice cream. Or continue with the pie . . . Take ‘em out and drain ‘em. No washing. Add 3/4 cup sugar, 2 or 3 tablespoons of tapioca and another tablespoon of orange zest. Combine and dump in pie shell.

And to get the pretty brown look that’s easy with either a fresh or frozen crust. The secret there is an Egg Wash. 1 large egg + 1 Tbsp water mixed. Brush gently over the top of the pie. Completely cover it, but by no means will you use all the wash. Sprinkle with white sugar to make it sparkly. Bake at 400 for 40 minutes.

I think that’s what I did.

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